Fasting Progress -- 153.4

I liked seeing a smaller number on the scale. I was afraid that maybe I ate too much yesterday.

6am - by that time I would have usually had something to eat, even if it is just some fruit. I am allowing myself coffee today or otherwise this won't work. Weaning myself off coffee dependence is another project for another day. I don't feel hungry much and even don't feel any cravings.


8am - still alive, not hungry; maybe I forgot about food because I busied myself with changes to my blog. I got a new background, enlarged post area and changed color scheme. Cat is sitting on my lap, my legs are falling asleep and I am afraid to move because I don't want to wake her up. That will keep me away from the fridge for sure. The only problem is that I will have to eventually go to the bathroom.


Noon - am so weak, I am dying... no, not really. I am actually doing surprisingly well.  It was easier till now since I was out of the house. Now that all the errands are done I will have to deal with the fridge pull. I am sure there is a scientific explanation why there are so strong attractive force fields around my fridge.


I watched The Biggest Loser. I am behind one week since I don't have a TV and watch it on Hulu. The final 4 ran a marathon. I have not  and I find it totally frustrating. I tried so many times and there has always been something. I chickened out, then there all these emergencies in Poland and then swine flu. Now when I was hoping to be already training, building my base, Mr Achilles has other designs. I am quite depressed but I WILL NOT run to the fridge. I know I still have time to train but it is going to be more difficult.


2pm - not hungry. Makes me wonder if I need food at all. Gee, this is easier than the fasts I tried a while ago. Afternoons are usually more difficult for me so I am curious to see what will happen today.

4pm - still OK. I am amazed I have not attacked the fridge with a vengeance yet.  Dinner, which I allow myself to eat today will be early. I would have loved to have early dinners all the time but if I am to eat with my family then I have to wait. 

5pm - my dinner:  lots of raw veggies and some shrimp in a bit of coconut milk with herbs and spices plus a small glass of wine. I even had desert, and that was yummy strawberries (gotta love California, they were from the local farmers' market) with a very thin slice of cheese.
So how was today? I loved it. I enjoyed it. I would not mind repeating the experiment tomorrow. Maybe next week I will have two days in a row like that. 


I will not be eating for the rest of the day today but I know I will be fine. Some hot green tea will be great to finish the day.

Fast

Today is my fasting day. Yes that is 'lets try to live like our ancestors used to' thing. Next thing you know I will be moving to a nice air conditioned cave with a flat screen TV and 300 channels. Yes, I know they did not really live in caves but somehow that sounds more appealing than sleeping outside in rain or snow. I also do not think they went totally without food. I am sure they munched on whatever was at hand, leaves, fruits, berries in the summer, bark in winter. I tried day fasts a couple of years ago and that really worked for me. Fasts seemed to have help me my appetite under control. I mean if I can withhold food for a day, then I should be able to resist for a couple of hours, right? So why did I stop doing those fasts? I guess my appetite has won after all. OK, not appetite, cravings. I keep on munching even though I know I should not be hungry. I believe fasts used to be a normal part of our existence and even today in many cultures there are prescribed fasts. Lent in Christianity (maybe not observed as strictly as it used to be but I remember my grandmother being very vigilant about it) or Ramadan in Islam to name just a couple. Why would there be prescribed fasts? Well, maybe it was just a way to find a meaning for why there was no food to eat. Having given the forced fast a purpose made it easier to deal with. So I have a purpose also. I am learning self control, something I have often problems with. Though if I have not learned it after 52 years on this planet, I am not sure there is much hope for me. I am showing my body that not getting the food at the first sign of craving is not the end of the world. I am giving my digestive system a rest from constant work (does digestive system need rest?).
My fast today is going to be of a cheating kind. I am going to have a small lunch. Next week I will do without. I am keeping my fingers crossed.

My Mom's Mother's Day

May 26 is Mother's Day in Poland. 

This is another Mother's Day my mother will spend in a nursing home not really knowing it is her day. She will spend it without me, her only daughter. 

My mother has Alzheimer's, a disease that slowly devours her mind and her soul. She still remembers she has a daughter and that is supposed to make me feel better. 

I find it very difficult to think about her the way she is now. It is not easy for me to think of her the way she used to be. 

My mother and could never see eye to eye. I never doubted her love though. We never really had those mother daughter talks and I have always blamed her for that. Now all that does not seem to matter. What does though, is that at no time I could doubt she would do anything for me and later for me and my husband and then for her beloved grandson. 

Now she does not recognize my husband at all.

She does not recognize her grandson.

There will come time when she won't know me.

Now our talks are even more shallow. Her mind drifts mid-sentence, hers or mine. During 5 minute phone conversation she will tell me several times what time it is in Poland, ask several times if Kenny (yes, Kenny whom she does not recognize anymore) is doing well in school, and how many cars have passed by the house she is in. 

In a sick kind of way I envy my husband whose mother had 'only' cancer and died quite soon after diagnosis. 

My mother is very healthy. There is nothing wrong with her except for her mind.

So this is not a happy day for me. 

I don't care what friends tell me, that I ought to remember the good times and be grateful for my mom's love. The person who is in that house is a shell of my mother. This horrific disease devoured the essence of who she used to be. 

It is an understatement when I say I hate this sickness.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom.
I love you and I miss you.