Wednesday, June 23, 2010
I was doing very well yesterday having mountains to soothe my soul. Today I was doing well also but for some reason they decided to send me a letter stating what I already heard on the phone. The test showed something and that something has to be checked. Well, that something made me cry again, feel weak and scared. For now I refuse to believe I have breast cancer so I am not jumping to do research on possible treatments. I am not thinking of what if... well, I am trying no to think that. I am just scared. I have not told my family because I don't want to ruin our vacations. It is strange. I have always had a very strong sense of the fact that my life will end at some point and that it could be really soon. Well, I guess now I sense know this better. All of a sudden my Achilles tendon problems seem totally unimportant. Nothing like getting a perspective on life. But one thought kept creeping into my mind that no matter what, I have to keep going to the mountains. And then I got scared that maybe I won't be able to. I refused to think about Kenneth and Jan. That was just too hard. I started feeling totally lost in my gloomy thoughts, worries and what ifs so instead of wallowing in self pity all day long I went with Kenneth to the movies to see Toy Story 3. He is too old for such movies but since he loves computer effects I knew he was going to watch that movie from a different perspective than most. We both had a good time. There was a scene that made me cry. Andy's mother walks into his room after he had packed everything for college. The room was empty and she was standing there looking in disbelief. A scary thought came into my mind that maybe I won't see the day Kenneth will go to college... I cried... thank goodness it was dark and I had napkins to dry my face before the lights came back on. But at least for a couple of hours my mind was preoccupied with something more fun than my future.
Did I mention I was scared?